So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize