I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize