What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The best revenge is premature balding
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
