I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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