the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
