I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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