The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
