no, he came in my armpit
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
