I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
