my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize