Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
