I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
