I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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