guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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