Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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