Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
