mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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