I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
