is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
