My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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