I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish there were birth control emojis
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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