big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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