I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
