so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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