So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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