The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
