Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
