I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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