Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
