would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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