If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
