saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
