I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
