a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
