why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
