Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
