grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
