At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
