No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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