She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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