i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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