It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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