OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize