its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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