The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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