He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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