MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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