Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
