I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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