So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
