i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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