His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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