i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
