my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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