she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
