she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
