My room smells like vodka and shame
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My ATM looks so different sober.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize