My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
