Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
