My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
